I Think I'm Going To Stop Saying I'm An Herbalist

In a turn of events, this is about dating. I'm also sharing a few herbs that have helped me in love.

I didn’t think that talking about my dating life would land of this particular Substack, but I recently decided that fragmenting my identity across multiple pages, accounts, and friend groups wasn’t really of interest to me anymore. If you’re reading this and we’ve had some form of romantic interaction…no we didn’t and don’t worry, I tell people we didn’t.

Now, on to the subject at hand. This actually started for me in therapy this week. I told my therapist how I was feeling about dating: ineffable. I said that I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t melancholy, but maybe just…blue? Either way, we recapped some of my recent dating experiences and their outcomes and the word she used was disillusioned. Admittedly, I had to look it up and sit with it for this particular context. Disappointment is a theme for sure and also a deep acceptance that I have done years of self-work and honestly…I haven’t met anyone that has the emotional intelligence I require. I don’t believe that it exists and if it does, they’re married. While I’m not against dating people’s spouses, ethically of course, it’s not my primary dating goal. But how do herbs get into this you ask?

Something about Substack feels so…personal? I feel like I’m chatting with friends and that could be fantastic or absolutely hectic for my mental health. We’re doing it though.

“What do you do?”

Inevitably, this question comes up. If you use dating apps, like Hinge, this question actually sits at the top of the facts about someone you may want to know. One thing about me and two things for sure, I will lightly mention the field I work in, but I have always kept my job offline and led with my work as a clinician. General safety is top of mind, but this is the work that I’m genuinely passionate about and pour into when I’m not at my 9-5. So imagine: you log onto Hinge, come across my profile, and it says “Clinical Herbalist” in the career field. What’s your opening line? I’ll give you a second.

Have it in mind? Cool, hold on to that.

Typically, someone will open the conversation with “I see you’re an herbalist. So then you can tell me what herbs to take to improve my lifestyle!” or “You’re an herbalist, wow. My mom is on 56 medications…you can probably help her.” or some variation of how me being an herbalist can support them. It drives me INSANE. Girl! I’m here trying to get my life! Go on a date or two! Explore human connection! Why are you looking at me as a resource from the moment you lay eyes on me. This also isn’t unique to dating apps (which I deleted this week), I experience this in person as soon as folks ask what I do for a living or how I spend my time. Within seconds, you can see the light pop into their eyes and they blurt out a question, request, or otherwise plan for my time that includes supporting their lifestyle.

We also talked about a possible trend of being a helper. Teacher. Guide. All the things I do in my work as a healing arts professional, but that also have been a negative pattern in my relationship timeline (romantic, familial, and platonic). I haven’t fallen into that pattern in several years, however everywhere I turn I feel like there’s a person in need. Herbalism is a great example, but over time I’ve come to know and be confident in that I have a lot to offer. Yes, I am a Leo sun. Yes, it is okay for Black women to be confident. Unfortunately this results in me always looking like a resource to someone.

I’m exhausted - full stop.

What are relationships?

Now this, this I’ve sat with since my divorce (stay locked in, I have a lot of lore). I’ve always said that marriage is a business merger more than it is a romantic adventure. I feel the same about relationships. They are about mutual exchange and most importantly: they are choices. This fact actually did make me sad when I realized it.

I used to blame love and say that I was moving in accordance with my heart. So no matter what, I knew that I followed love. This wore off as I got older and now in my 30s…the magic of just following love is not there. Part of maturing for me (I’d say around my mid to late 20s) is that after love, everything else is a choice. Feelings and attraction aren’t enough to sustain connection. So if I make the choice to be in relationship with someone…why? Why do I need to? Why do I want to? What is in it for me? These questions are built around my needs being met, my life being elevated, and also making sure that what I’m receiving is of equal value to what I bring. It sounds clinical, but asking these questions of myself when I have felt pressured to commit to a formal relationship has saved me so much pain and heartache. Not to mention time.

So as I sit with not being a helper, not taking on a guiding role in my relationships, and making conscious choices about who and what I get into a formally titled connection with…it’s bleak. But in terms of next steps, my therapist suggested maybe I don’t share what I do as a potential option. She wasn’t sold this was right or wrong, neither am I. While that seems counterintuitive to finding true connection, I’m kinda thinking about what will happen if I don’t? If I don’t sound like a resource to someone on one of the most trending topics of the last 5 years…will they approach me with what they have to offer instead? Will they think to themselves how can I take care of her instead of how can she take care of me? What could come of it, you know?

So herbs.

When I say lore, I mean it. If it wasn’t for plants…I don’t know where I’d be and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I adore plants and fungi. They have given to me and taken care of me in times where I thought the world just simply couldn’t hold me. WHEW THE DRAMA.

I’ll share a few of my fave helpers. These suggestions will always include the physical and spiritual.

Rose - this, as my friend Jourdan says, is the queen of flowers. On an energetic level, rose has the highest vibration of any flower. Some people add a hint of rose to every herbal formula they build because it just…takes it to the next level. When I was going through my divorce, I completed a dieta, a plant spirit initiation found in the indigenous spirituality of the people in the Amazon and Andes. I chose rose as my teacher and BABY I had a time.

In terms of support, take rose when you are ready to alchemize your grief. Rose will not hold your grief for you, but will push you to change it into something useful. It will help the heart to hurt less. I give honor to this plant always, she is a beautiful teacher and I am honored to be allowed a seat in her inner court.

Astragalus - this is a herb from the materia medica of Traditional Chinese Medicine. It is a heart herb, it literally moves energy to the heart. It opens up the lungs and most importantly, it moves qi. When feeling stuck romantically, I have found it helpful to move stagnation out of my body and as a result I feel like I’m just able to can a bit more. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. Qi is important!

Yerba Santa - I’ve taken this as a flower essence and I adore it. It is also a respiratory herb. The flowers and their essence are for stagnated grief. It literally brings it to the top and will help you to hold it so that you can move past it. I used it when a dating run (what are we calling it when you were dating, not together, and it ends? I say a breakup in jest but like…fr?) ended poorly. I feel like I snapped out of it in a few days.

Damiana - she’s native to Mexico and it is macerated in tequila and served as an aphrodisiac liqueur. Some of this is because Americans are obsessed with sensationalizing things and so an easily accessible love potion is popular. However, it is an ancient medicine much like most herbs. It is an aphrodisiac for sure, for both AFAB and AMAB bodies. Why though? It actually works on the nervous system. Slightly stimulating to the central nervous system and acting as a MILD antidepressant on the some of the others. This results in you feeling calm, your libido returning after hiding from your depression or anxiety, and then you before you know it, hoochie coochie.

I’ve used damiana throughout my lifetime when I need a jolt. When I felt like fat ma wasn’t energetically on the same page as me. I used it intuitively at that stage of my life, not knowing I had chronic illnesses that wreaked havoc on my hormones. It helps a lot and combined with a little cannabis? Get into her.

I hope these help you in the ways you need. As always, look into contraindications for each. If you need help, leave a comment.

What’s next?

No clue. I can say though that it was therapeutic to get this out. Now I get why real writers do this so much.

I am curious though…what was your opening line? Did it pass the vibe check? If you feel brave, leave it in the comments. Someone might need some inspo.